The opposite of belonging isn’t feeling lost, it’s trying to fit in!
Why I’m no longer investing time in masking my neurodivergence.
When I was a child, I leaned that the key to success was "to fit in." We all do, we’re a social species! I wore the mask of conformity throughout school and well into my corporate years. That mask was especially snug-fitting because I have ADHD and was in the closet about the sexuality.
It wasn’t long before I started to come out to colleagues. I’m often reminded that “coming out” is not a one time gig, people in the Queer community often have to come out on a daily basis. Of course, it’s often most pivotal for the first few times you speak the words out loud, but members of the community often ensure we’re “ahead of the conversation” mentioning what we did at the weekend with our husband or a camp remark to ensure that the new person you’re meeting is aware before they make an innocent mistake. A lot of brain power is dedicated towards tracking it.
Lots of organisations have worked to challenge the herero-norm. I remember standing in the main meeting room launching the first LGBTQ+ employee resource group anywhere in the world in the 150 year old company’s history. Flanked by fellow members of the community and allies it felt groundbreaking. It was 2010. It was no secret that I was gay, but there were many colleagues that didn’t feel such freedom. I like many people have come face to face with my own internalised homophobia more than once but I’m so pleased that I developed the skills of “coming out”.
I spent years masking my ADHD to blend into the corporate world's expectations. Largely because I was unaware I had it, but even after diagnosis I was unsure about how it’d be perceived.
However, as I reach 38 soon and look back at my life and career, I've decided that I no longer want to invest time in masking who I truly am. This decision was largely influenced by a quote from Brené Brown, who says, "The opposite of belonging is fitting in." I realized that my efforts to mask my ADHD were not bringing me closer to genuine belonging but were instead keeping me in a perpetual cycle of just "fitting in."
The Tax of Masking
Masking my ADHD has been emotionally taxing. For years, I fought against my innate impulsivity, my knack for daydreaming, and my tendency to multitask—often seen as inefficiencies in the corporate sphere. Suppressing these traits has sapped me of the energy I could have invested elsewhere. I've realized that there's a cost associated with not being yourself; it's like paying emotional rent on an identity that isn't yours.
The Stifling of Creativity
ADHD comes with traits that can be particularly advantageous in the corporate environment: the ability to think outside the box, to juggle multiple tasks, and to make connections between seemingly disparate ideas. Masking my ADHD meant I was also suppressing these strengths. I found myself sticking to tried-and-tested methods and hesitating to contribute innovative ideas during meetings. The corporate world doesn't just lose out on my creativity; it misses out on the diversity of thought that drives real change and innovation.
Redefining Success
As I inch closer to 40, my definition of success has evolved. It's less about climbing the corporate ladder or accumulating material wealth and more about forming authentic relationships and making meaningful contributions. I’ve recognized that "fitting in" is a poor substitute for belonging, and belonging can only happen when I present my authentic self, ADHD and all.
A Better Model for Corporate Culture
Companies today are beginning to understand the value of diversity and inclusion, not just as buzzwords but as essential elements of a successful work environment. Inclusion is more than just letting people into the room; it's about valuing them for who they are and what they bring to the table.
Masking my ADHD may have made me a cog in the machine, but unveiling it makes me a unique piece of a mosaic, bringing my color and texture to the overall picture. As businesses evolve, I hope that the corporate culture will shift towards creating spaces where neurodiversity is celebrated, not silenced.
The Journey Ahead
Choosing not to mask my ADHD is both liberating and challenging. I have moments of self-doubt, wondering if this newfound openness will affect my job security or professional relationships. But I've come to realize that I'd rather be criticized for who I am than be praised for pretending to be someone I'm not.
As I stand on the threshold of this journey, Brené Brown's words resonate even more: "The opposite of belonging is fitting in." The corporate world, and society at large, must realize that people don't need to fit into pre-existing boxes to belong.
At 38, I’m unmasking my ADHD not as an act of rebellion, but as an act of self-love and authenticity. And if that disrupts the status quo, then perhaps the status quo was never a place for belonging to begin with.