After the “incident” on Tuesday (the spoon, the shouting, the door slam), you made a promise to yourself. You looked in the mirror, washed your face, and thought:

“Next time, I will just take a deep breath. Next time, I will count to ten. Next time, I will be more mindful.”

Stop it. You are lying to yourself.

I say this with…

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Even though it has been over 10 years since I trained as a psychotherapist, and despite having a stack of clinical data on my desk, I broke my own rule last Tuesday.

It was 8:30 PM. I was pacing my kitchen, tea stone-cold on the counter, phone pressed to my ear. I was doing the “Explanation Dance.”

You know the one. It’s that d…

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Lately, you’ve probably been feeling that familiar, heavy oscillation. One day you’re redlining your nervous system under the crushing pressure of a deadline; the next, you’re paralysed on the sofa, staring at a pile of laundry as if it’s a complex calculus problem you can’t solve.

It is very easy to look at the mounting research, the 80%…

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You’ve read enough about fitness. You understand that exercise is good for you. You know what you’re supposed to do. You’ve probably got a Pinterest board full of workout routines and a notes app stuffed with abandoned plans. You might’ve even convinced yourself that you need one more perfect system, one more app, one more bit of research before you can start.

That’s bollocks, and somewhere deep down, you know it.

The problem isn’t information. The problem is you’re using your ADHD as an explanation when you’re actually using it as an excuse. Yes, your brain works differently. Yes, motivation is harder for you than for neurotypical people. Yes, executive function is a genuine challenge.

None of that changes the fundamental reality: you either do the thing or you don’t. And right now, you’re not doing it.

Here’s how that changes.

Face the Actual Problem

You’re unfit because you don’t exercise consistently. That’s it. Not because you haven’t found the right routine. Not because you’re waiting for motivation to strike. Not because you need to “fix” your ADHD first.

Every day you don’t exercise is a day you chose something else instead. Maybe you chose scrolling. Maybe you chose staying in bed. Maybe you chose the path of least resistance. Those are choices, not inevitabilities.

ADHD makes those choices harder—genuinely harder—but it doesn’t make them for you. The moment you accept that your current fitness level is the direct result of your repeated choices, you can actually change those choices. As long as you’re blaming your brain chemistry, you’re powerless. When you accept responsibility, you gain agency.

That responsibility might feel uncomfortable. Good. Discomfort means you’re touching reality instead of the comforting stories you tell yourself.

Stop Negotiating With Yourself

Here’s what you do every single time: you decide to start exercising, you feel good about the decision for approximately six hours, then your brain starts the negotiation. “Maybe tomorrow would be better.” “I didn’t sleep well.” “I’ll start properly on Monday.” “This isn’t the right programme anyway.”

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Let’s get brutally honest about what emotion blindness (alexithymia, if we’re being fancy) actually means when you’ve got ADHD: You’re navigating life with a broken emotional GPS whilst driving a Ferrari with dodgy brakes. You don’t know you’re angry until you’ve already sent that career-limiting email. You don’t recognise you’re overwhelmed until you’re having a meltdown in Tesco’s car park. And you definitely don’t notice you’re burnt out until your body literally forces you to stop.

Stop pretending this isn’t affecting every aspect of your life. It is.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Your “Mystery” Problems

Those relationship explosions that “came out of nowhere”? They didn’t. You just couldn’t read your own warning signals.

That job you rage-quit without a backup plan? Your body was screaming at you for months through headaches, insomnia, and that constant jaw clenching you ignored.

The friendships that mysteriously dissolved? You probably bulldozed through twenty emotional cues that you were being too intense, too distant, or too something you couldn’t even name.

Here’s what nobody tells you: When you can’t identify your emotions, you can’t regulate them. When you can’t regulate them, they regulate you. And with ADHD in the mix, they regulate you with the subtlety of a wrecking ball.

Your Body Is Keeping Score (Whether You Can Read It or Not)

Right, let’s talk about what’s actually happening in your body whilst you’re walking around thinking you’re “fine”:

• That chronic neck tension? That’s not just “how you are.” That’s unprocessed stress setting up permanent residence in your trapezius muscles.

• The digestive issues you’ve normalised? Your gut is literally your second brain, and it’s trying to process the emotions your conscious mind can’t.

• Those random energy crashes? Your nervous system is doing emotional labour you’re not even aware of.

• The insomnia that’s become your personality? Your body’s attempting to process the day’s emotional backlog whilst you scroll through your phone at 3am.

Your body has been sending you invoices for years. You’ve just been marking them as spam.

The Harsh Reality of Social Navigation

Let’s address the elephant in the room: You’re probably exhausting to be around sometimes. Not because you’re a bad person, but because emotional blindness makes you a bit of a social bulldozer.

You miss the subtle “please stop talking” signals. You don’t notice when someone’s uncomfortable until they’re practically running away. You share trauma dumps instead of appropriate emotional exchanges because you can’t gauge the emotional temperature of a conversation.

And here’s the kicker: People won’t tell you this directly. They’ll just gradually stop inviting you to things, stop confiding in you, stop considering you for opportunities that require “soft skills.”

WHAT’S BEHIND THE PAYWALL:

You’ve just had the wake-up call. Now here’s the actual survival system.

You’ve learned that your body’s been keeping score whilst you’ve been marking the invoices as spam. That your “mystery problems” aren’t mysteries—you just can’t read your own warning signals. That you’re probably a social bulldozer sometimes, and people won’t tell you directly.

What you haven’t got yet: the operating procedures that actually work when feelings are useless.

3. Create Operating Procedures for Common Scenarios – Stop relying on intuition you don’t have. Get the complete protocol system for: important conversations (when to postpone, how to warn others), work stress (hourly monitoring, immediate action triggers), and relationship navigation (explicit feedback scripts, partner communication protocols). No guessing. No “figuring it out.” Just if-then responses that work.

4. Use Technology as Your Emotional Prosthetic – Your smartphone is smarter about your emotions than you are. The complete tech stack: heart rate variability apps for stress detection, mood tracking that focuses on physical sensations not feelings, voice memo strategies that reveal what your words don’t, and calendar blocking protocols that prevent burnout before it happens.

5. Accept Your Operating System – What you can actually develop vs what wellness Instagram lies about. The complete framework for: reliable physical monitoring systems, effective communication protocols that don’t require emotional insight, predictable response patterns, and sustainable energy management. Plus: how to stop apologising for your neurology and start leveraging it.

The Bottom Line + Your Two-Week Implementation Challenge – The homework that catches burnout before A&E. Exactly which strategy to start with, how to do it consistently, and why modifications are self-sabotage. No wellness bollocks. Just what works when you need to think and observe your way through life instead of feel your way through it.

This is the reality check you needed plus the actual system you can use. Every Friday, I publish a Dutch Uncle column that tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear—with concrete strategies that work for brains like yours.

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Time for the truth.

Your RSD Isn’t Special (And That’s Good News)

Every ADHD brain does this. You’re not uniquely broken. You’re not more sensitive than everyone else. Your nervous system is having the neurological equivalent of a toddler tantrum because it thinks social rejection equals death. It’s evolutionary wiring gone haywire, not some deep insight into your fundamental unworthability.

The research is clear: RSD is just your amygdala hijacking your prefrontal cortex. Dr. William Dodson’s work shows it’s a neurological glitch, not an personality trait. Stop romanticising it.

The Only DBT Skills You Actually Need

Forget the acronyms. Forget the worksheets. When RSD hits, you need exactly three things:

1. Biological Override Mammalian dive reflex. Face in ice water. Full stop. Your amygdala literally cannot maintain panic when you’re in cold shock. This isn’t therapy; it’s biology. Recent research from neuroscientist Andrew Huberman confirms: cold exposure immediately downregulates your stress response.

2. Physical Discharge Your body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. You can’t think your way out of stress hormones. Sprint. Do burpees. Shake like a dog. Complete the stress cycle, as Emily and Amelia Nagoski outline in their research. Movement isn’t optional; it’s mandatory.

3. Time Lock 24-hour decision ban. No texts. No emails. No Instagram stalking. No “clearing the air” conversations. Your prefrontal cortex is offline for at least 90 minutes during RSD (that’s neuroscience, not opinion). Any decision you make is coming from your lizard brain.

The “Coping Strategies” That Are Making It Worse

Your “Evidence I’m Loved” Screenshot Folder Delete it. Now. You’re training your brain to need external proof of worth. Every time you check it, you’re reinforcing that other people’s opinions determine your value. That’s not emotional regulation; it’s outsourced identity.

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The Hard Truth About Your Masking Habit

You’ve convinced yourself that masking is necessary for survival, but let’s examine that properly. Half the time, you’re performing for people who wouldn’t notice if you stopped. The colleague who barely acknowledges you? They’re not tracking your fidgeting. That distant relative at family gatherings? They’re too busy with their own drama to clock your stimming.

You’re burning cognitive resources like you’re Jeff Bezos with money, except you’re not getting rich from it – you’re getting burnt out. And for what? To maintain relationships with people who’d reject your authentic self? That’s not connection, mate – that’s cosplay.

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